I’m starting a series of writing that doesn’t have a definable “this is precisely what you need to do.” I agree with the blogging mindset that creating value for readers is important, but value can created in more ways than hyper-actionable writing. “3 Productivity Hacks” has its purpose. I intend to write more abstractly. I hope that by engaging in an immense level of authenticity, I’ll change lives. 

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I’ve realized something. I never want to be in a position where I need someone. I never want to be in a position where my happiness lies in the hands of anything but myself. 

I think of two experiences.

Several months ago, an internship I wanted opened up. It was for a company I deeply connected with and had potential to become a full-time job.  At the time I believed it was my dream job. 

I put in an application that I believed was excellent. I knew I might not get the job and wasn’t terrified of the idea, but a percentage of my mental well-being relied on being told “yes.”

I didn’t get it. I was told in a way that made it very clear that if I had, I would have been tolerated, not celebrated. My mind went into defense-mode so I felt fine when it happened. “That’s okay,” I thought. But as time went on and I ended up in less pleasurable circumstances, I thought “If only I had gotten that job, everything would be better.”

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The second thing was a relationship. 

I fell madly in love with a girl for two years. The beginning of our relationship was better than the movies and it was more joy than I’d ever experienced. 

Over time, though, complacency took hold. As it happens to many couples, we took each other for granted and when life got tough, we took out our emotions on each other. I told myself I needed this girl if I was going to be happy. I noticed something. 

When this person become difficult to deal with, I stepped back and said “This is a beautiful human being who has done beautiful things for me. When they are awful to be around, I want to celebrate them still.” Looking back, this was not the energy I received in return. 

I was being tolerated, not celebrated. I remember the raw memories of feeling like I was walking on eggshells, like I needed to always be “perfect.” I remember the worry that if I didn’t behave a certain way, the relationship would end. 

Naturally, it ended after two years.

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Both experiences taught me an immensely valuable lesson. I never again want to be in a situation where I’m tolerated, not celebrated. Even more, I never want to need someone so badly that I’ll willingly allow myself to be tolerated to get an occasional morsel of approval.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the girl or the company but there is somethng wrong with pursuing a situation where I’d be tolerated.

With both situations, getting what I “wanted” would not have made me happy. Had I gotten the job in a way where I wasn’t celebrated, I would have been more miserable than if I didn’t get the job. If the girl stayed with me but tolerated me, I would have been more miserable than being alone.

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If I went through these experiences today, I’d say, “If this is a relationship where I will be tolerated and not celebrated, let’s end it because that’s not even fun for me.” 

I noticed this has to do with self-awareness. When we’re aware of what we want and what makes us happy, we can look at a situation and say “Wow, being around someone who doesn’t want to be around me is such a terrible experience.” 

When we look back at times we allowed ourselves to be tolerated, we almost laugh and think of how absurd it is that we were arguing for our own misery. We actually thought if we only got that person’s acceptance, we’d be happy.

As for me, I never again want to be in the situation where I need someone. I’d rather stand alone than be in a room of 100 people who tolerate me. I’d rather celebrate myself than receive the begrudging attention of the people I most respect. .